THE ORIGIN OF RELIGION, (as told by a drunk)

[AFXJOHNNY]

Tis from a UTR bulletin like 2 or 3 years ago.
Found it while cleaning out the dusty closet of my harddrive.
Thought id share it.

Originally Posted by Cleokitty

Sheeeesh I admit it Im lost sometimes I believe in god but there are so
many other religions out there that make more sense than christianity.
But then again there are holes in every religion. They all seem to be so,,,

Cleo, im going to give you my two cents, ready for this......?
You're right.
There are approximately 15,000 different religions in the world, including the mormons the
catholics hindus branch davidians and guys in jumpsuits slashing their nuts off to do wheelies
on comets.

The point is, something greater than our minds can fully comprehend created this universe as we
know it, and all the 'lil critters in it. who knows where it came from, christianity tells us
that god has always been, and will always be.
Our minds have a hard time grasping concepts that
dont follow linear ...isms. the thing is, that out of all of these religions, all of them claim
to be right. everybody else is wrong, my god can beat up your god kinda thing.

---------Everybody needs something to believe in.------------------
And what ive found, the popular vote seems to be ,
"dont be a dick and youll go on to bigger and better things, act like an asshole, something bad happens to you"

You see, It all started, back in the day,.....................................

Sherman, set the wayback machine for ,,,the dawn of time.
Where we witness the moment our simian ancesstor, lets call him Grog, gained the self awareness to ask himself
upon seeing his buddy get eaten alive by a big toothy beast of somekind, "What happens to me when that
there happens to me?" not fully understanding death, or having a vocabulary for it.
(damn groovesalad is playing some great tunes right now)
It might have ended there, but, he mentions it to his buddy, Og.
Now Og was also very spiritually inquisitive, and also held a penchant for the new chicks down the way that didnt have much body hair..
So Og tells that he has been pondering the origin of the world, and expresses a broken theory of how the world as they knew it,
must have birthed out of this giant wooly mamoth vagina in the sky.
This makes perfect sense to Grog. Who hypothesises that there is something inside of us that makes us alive, and it must have something to do with farts. and..........................................
when you die the big mamoth in the sky sucks all the fart out of you with her trunk.
And you go on to bigger and better things. Things unimaginable.

So our ambiguously devine duo, set off, arm in arm, confident that they had solved the riddle of the universe, to visit other tribes, and share the great wisdom they have stumbled onto. Passing out flowers and pamphlets, kissing babies, the whole thing.
Well now, alot of tribes were very receptive, and the people were just mezmorized by the great wisdom brought to them.
Og had even implemented a system in which your great fart spirit would grow stronger if you brought him and Grog a percentage of your catch, and supplies!
The first souls bought into heaven!!

So anyway, we find our heros off on pilgrammage (did i spell that right?) in the far off hills of...... Bogbog Land.
They came across a tribe theyd never met before. The......Yuk-yuk-tak-tak-ites. Now the Yuk-yuk-tak-taks, werent as receptive as the others had been. You see, they worship a giant monolithic rock they found that looked like a giant phallus.
And an entity called the great Boogaloo dwell with in it.
Well it didnt take long for our elders to end up burning at the stake, and eventually ending up in various stews.
(the yukyuks are cannibals)
And they set out to find the other mamoth worshipers and take them over. some converted, most ended up in casseroles and the like.
But there was much rejoicing and the world fell into blissful slumber, knowing that when you die, you will be elsewhere.
Im not sure where that was, I kinda hit a brick wall on the yukyuk belief system. But you see my point?

It is kind of a catch 22 though, because those who feel that there is a god , and have possibly been touched by the"holy spirit" wander around like a game show contestant debating between door #2 and door #3. If you pick the wrong one you arent going to get the new car, your going to get stuck with the tacky patio furniture set.
The thing to remember is to just follw your heart. If you believe in Jesus go christian though I recommend a form of christianity that hasent performed some kind of genocide. (What part of thou shalt not kill didn't you people get!!)
Then theres the jews, Im not sure what they worship, but i think it looks like the MCP from Tron. (sorry, southpark humor)
Then theres the various animal worshipers, idol worshipers, Gozer worshipers, people who see Elvis in the toilet, and if so inclined, I hear another comet is coming soon.

If God is who i think he is, all that matters is what is in your heart. This world was obviously built to be enjoyed, as were all of the people and critters in it.
So dont be a dick, boycot the draft, recycle something, smile on your brother, love your neighbor, unless hes a dick like mine, then just feign indifference.
(man groove salad reeely rock this morning, theyre playing beautifulstrange right now)
Anyway, my point is ..............................

"Groove, simply that others may groove with you, and the world will be a groovy place."