6 days left (crying because of a kiss)

[bc219]

Well Christy, the ex-wife, called Bryan today (as she said she would) to arrange for visitation times this weekend. She told me last night she would "think about" the court thing on the 11th and call her attorney again. This does not mean shit because she doesn't want the court date cancelled so calling the attorney is just a lie. So the dumb cunt calls him, asks about what time he's getting the kids and doesn't mention anything else. The bitch wants him dead. How could she possibly want her kids to suffer like this? I will make sure when they are old enough to understand that she is a selfish cunt and they will know everything and hate her.

With this being said, we have decided to continue on with our plans to take the kids to the indoor water park hotel thingy this weekend. Bryan will use what money he has left on a weekend of fun with the kids. I am not sure how I will be able to enjoy this time, knowing that these kids will no longer have a father come Wednesday.

I feel somewhat numb the last couple days, especially after talking to Lillie last night. Is that how I should feel? I feel like I've done everything I can, begged & pleaded, expressed my love, spoken with suicide hotlines and attorneys, tried to reason with ex wife and begged his mother to figure something out. It's starting to be more and more clear that I really can't do anything. I just have to sit back and hope I am strong enough to get through this. I am no longer crying most of the day.

Speaking of crying, tonight I am working with a husband and wife, the wife has Alzheimer's disease. We were all watching the news together when she just started losing her mind, literally. Freaking out in her wheelchair, screaming, kicking, yelling and moaning. We took her too bed, as I finished covering her and ensuring her comfort her husband leaned over and gave her the most tender kiss. It reminded me of the kisses that I give Bryan while he is laying down. It's like trying to comfort someone who seems to be in such despair. I felt the same feeling from her husband just as I watched. I actually had turn away because I couldn't bear to let him see me cry. He might wonder what my problem is.

I cleaned the kitchen and sat down with him while he watched Wheel of Fortune I told him I had to work on what I am typing. He wanted to know what it was, wondering if I'm in school, or if I'm some sort of writer. Well, neither Dr. Fromm (he was a dentist back in the day). I asked if he really wanted to know, he insisted. I felt weird because I don't discuss these things with my clients. It's just not right, there's something wrong about that.

I briefly told him what's going on and he agreed, there's nothing I can do but go on and be strong. I assured him that I know that my son is the most important to me in all of this and forever, this I know, and this I will never forget.

[Katie]

I'm really sorry that you are having such a hard time. It is really emotionally draining to try to take on someone else's issues. I have learned that throughout your life all you can do is give someone the tools to get better. It's up to them to use them.

[bc219]

I never thought I would have to go through something like this, and how terribly horrifying it can be. By the way I had him admitted today. It was quite a day to say the least.

[Katie]

That is really the most you can really do for him. If he will let you get that close. It is a slippery slope when you have a friend like that. It is hard to know if that is something that will help him or hurt him.

[kenny]

Originally Posted by bc219

How could she possibly want her kids to suffer like this? I will make sure when they are old enough to understand that she is a selfish cunt and they will know everything and hate her.

You talked in your last post (Day 7) that all you could do is teach your son to love, well this is what you need to do with their kids too. Your statements were correct all you can do to change the cycles of shit are to break them and live with love and pass that love along to your son. However I find the above quoted statement to be disturbing. I do realize it was said in anger by judging the comments which proceeded. But I would really hope that you would not try to get her kids to understand she is a selfish cunt. That would not breed love, that would just propagate hate and there is enough of that in this world as is. You should just give them the same love as you give your son and let them discover for themselves their own feelings about their mother. It's not your place or anyone's for that matter to try to convince or tell another human/s how they should feel about another person. It's their job to discover it on their own.

[bc219]

Thanks for pointing that out. I like to think that I also give them love like I do my own child. You are right, that statement is somewhat disturbing. Yes, it was said out of anger and I should not have said it. She's a selfish cunt and they will learn on their own without me telling them.

When I began writing all of that, especially the first couple days before I got him forced help I was in this fucked up psychological state where anger and fear seemed to overrule everything.

And just the same with my mother, I never had to have anyone tell me she's a selfish bitch. It became clearer and clearer as I aged, same with be with them. Part of what bothers me with them and their mother is that I see the potential harm she can do to them, whether she realizes it or not and I don't want it to happen. I know it's not my problem and I can't help it, but damn, it just goes along with the love that I have for them. I suppose I should focus more of my energy on my own son.

Enough of my rambling.

Thanks again...