Suicide is ok, but fried chicken is better.

[kenny]

It was New Years Eve, and I could take the pain no longer. I could not sit down, I could not sleep, and I was just plain miserable. This being something that I could not fix myself (like a tooth that needs pulling), I decided to head down to IHC’s local emergency room. After waiting around in a room full of disease I finally get called back. I explain the discomfort to the doctor and he has me drop my pants. He looks around, prods his finger here and there and then tells me that he will prescribe some hemorrhoid ointment. I am to apply this for a couple of weeks and then if that doesn’t work, I should make another appointment.

Doctor, with all due respect (but it didn’t come out that nice), whatever is hurting me, is not hemorrhoids. The pain is not coming from on or around my anus, it’s coming from within. It takes me a few more minutes of pleading until I am finally able to convince this doctor to slow down and actually pay attention to me, and not to treat me as just another number. Now ready to take a little extra time he recalls his last theory and calls a nurse in to assist.

He instructs the nurse to pull my butt cheeks apart as far as she can and to hold them. He then starts injecting my asshole with some topical anesthetic to numb the pain, and while this is going on he decides to let me in on what is going on with my lower region. What I had was called an anal fistula (Most fistulas begin as anorectal abscesses. When the abscess opens spontaneously (or has been opened surgically), a fistula may occur.) and he was going to go in, lance it and hope for the best. If this did not work, I would have to go in for surgery.

The doctor kept yelling at me for moving, but I could not help it. I guess it didn’t make sense to him, that his injecting my asshole with something to numb my pain doesn’t help when he is taking a scalpel to something else, like my rectal wall. I tried my best to not move, so that I didn’t obtain any other lacerations while he was in there with such a sharp instrument. I even tried to make small talk with the nurse, but being naked and having her hands holding my cheeks apart made any chance of sane talk impossible.

After the whole nightmarish ordeal was over, he sent me home with Loritabs and instructed me to let him know if I didn’t get better. As all of my visits to the doctor go, I did not get better. In fact the whole ordeal was useless; I was told that I would have to go in for surgery, so that it could be done right.

As the surgery neared, I started to have a better understanding and respect for women and their visit’s to the gynecologist. Having your legs up in the air or being on all fours while some doctor explores your orifices with a cold speculum is not my idea of a good time. The doctor upon completing his exam discussed a good day to schedule the surgery and sent me off with a box of enemas to use before surgery, wonderful I thought.

The day finally arrived. I checked in and filled out some paperwork. I made one last plea to have my camera crew involved but that request was declined, so I went in a room and changed in to one of those fancy backless gowns. I remember that my anestheoligist smelled of a Reese’s cup, and I remember his instructions to take deep breathes in, but that’s when it started to get fuzzy. He had me roll over on to an operating table, and then he requested that I roll back.
“What, I just rolled over.”
“No, you are done.”
“Oh, K…”
Coming out from anesthesia was very surreal, I had no concept of time and I was now wearing some weird gauze looking panties, which were spotted in blood. I felt like a cross between being hung-over and sick and no sooner than I could actually focus I had a nurse trying to usher me to sit upright. She then gave me her standard spill; surgeries like this can have complications, so we just need you to go number two before we can let you go, to insure that there are no problems. For nearly a half hour I tried, but the anesthesia was wearing off and the opiates were beginning to take hold. I no longer wanted to be in this waiting room, so upon my last exit of the restroom I informed the nurse that I was able to “perform” just fine. I was now allowed to go home and she told my guardian to pull the car around.

Once home the desire to use the restroom had become a dire need. My god, should I have not left? I need to go so bad but I can’t. After trying for so long I gave up, I washed my hands and felt around the area. I could not feel anything in my lower region so I decided that I was just going to stick my fingers up my ass and fish the excrement out. I sat back down on the toilette and I attempted to stick a finger in my ass, but I couldn’t. There was what felt like a rock in the way. It took me a minute but I was able to dislodge what like a boulder from my cavity. Upon pulling it out, I then realized what the hell it was. When the doctors had finished with the surgery, they had packed me full of gauze to help soak up the extra blood and discharge, but not once did they tell me or the person who was in charge of getting me home that they had done this. I was just sent home to discover this blood encrusted gauze boulder on my own.

I know this has nothing to do with suicide or fried chicken, but it’s something I was thinking about. Maybe the thought sparked when someone mentioned that people who work in fast food “don’t get paid enough to care” and my mind thought - Bullshit. Because every time I end up going to the hospital I get bombarded with the same shitty service and I know damn well they aren’t making minimum wage. It all boils down to people just not caring, and that is the bottom line... Tonight I shall join these monsters; I will go home, scoop up a hand full of pills, grab a fine bottle of rum and see if I can get another one of those near death experiences to spark a bit of creativity.

I have been busy sorting and recovering lost data, and most of my weekend was spent working on my house, so some more stuff will be coming your way shortly. For now I have a very slim digiCam update and the shitty post above, but hey – if I post something people think is good, it’s only right that my next piece sucks… it’s all about consistency.

[idbeholda]

That reminds me of when I had a flareup of porphyria [blood disorder] (didn't even know I had it). One of the joys of the form of it that I have is that it kicks in about once every 3-5 years (usually 4), and one of the many symptoms is red fecal matter with no presence of blood, also the same with urine. When I went in there, to check for blood in the colon, they had to do a rectal exam. It was the most humiliating experience I had been on the recieving end of in years. And I even made a poem about it and put it on my site :P. In any case, a combination of perverted Dr. Seuss and the fact I was delerious at the time inspired me to write this little gem.

The Rectal Exam
============================

They had me give blood
And pee in a cup
When the D.O. came in,
He said "So... what's up"
With my T-Cell count rising,
my eyes set aglaze
He had me roll to my side
In a porphyric haze

The next thing I knew
I heard the snap of a glove
"Hang tight, little buddy"
He said with a tone
Only a doctor could love
As he lubed up his hand
Forearm, elbow and pecs
I wondered how in the hell
I got myself in this mess

In went his hands,
I let out a yowl
And said to the aide
"Could you grab me a towel?"
He rooted around deeper
And my bowels gave a groan
I could solemnly swear
My ass started to foam

I leapt from the table
As he birthed a postulate
"I'm sorry," he asked
"Was that your prostate?"
In a semi-enthused tone,
I responded with a cuss
"No, you blathering idiot,
That's my fucking uterus"

[Kreep]

I never did get the full details of the ass donut you were carrying around that week... guess that covers it. I hope my ass behaves... fuck that.

[cold]

I liked that one. At first I thought it was your attempt to entertain through your asshole; and then I realized.. it's real! Too bad you couldn't get video. That would've been a great egg in the next flash video.

[Katie]

Hehehe I love you kenny. When was this surgery that you got?

[aadil]

I agree with the post title though.

[Rage in a Cage]

omg what a pain in your ass man!