Please keep your hands inside at all times.

[kenny]

A small synapse brings the neurons out of their brief slumber. My heart follows suit, pumping blood, fueling the madness. My eyelids spring open, my heart now hurts as it tries to escape the confines of my skeletal structure and I can’t breathe – enough. I want to be held, I want to be calmed down. Relax - deep breaths I tell myself. The process of calming me down begins, I fear if I don’t that I will die – literally. Each occurrence is equally as painful, and only one has had the ability to stop these episodes. I continue to thrash around on my floor, the air gets thin and then… all goes black.

The noise that was once a faint whisper off in the distance is now blaring. It becomes too much, I push the power button on my stereo, but it still screams – so I tear out the power cord. It doesn’t stop. It must be something else. I start unplugging everything connected to an outlet. I run around my house, frantic, but nothing brings resolve. And then I know what it is, I open my eyes, stand up and hit the snooze button. This dream/reality crossover bullshit need’s to stop and I need to get a good night sleep, but these panic attacks are starting to pick up again and that makes sleep impossible. Along with the panic is that awful sense of doom, all of which I used to believe just ties in with being a walking, sleep deprived zombie, but my first interaction with a person today, well it was bad. It left me feeling like a beaten child, but there is one upside to that. The more you get beat as a kid, the easier it is to perform home dentistry as well as other small self-repairs. I was more careful this time, last time I just started wrenching away, crushing my tooth and exposing the nerves. The pain was dreadful, there was a slight numbness followed by an immediate pressure behind my right eye - It felt as if it were about to explode. The next wave of pain felt like a hand was forcing itself between my skull and brain, and just when I thought it couldn’t be any worse – the hand squeezes, leaving me helpless. The last sliver of tooth has been extracted, one wisdom tooth down, one more to go.

She stood there, slightly leaning on the counter with today’s newspaper in her hands. Her hair gently draped over her shoulders, and her shirt hung loosely, accentuating her curves. My eyes continued to follow downward to her hips and then to her shoes. For a split second, I was lost. I don’t know her, I have never talked to her, nor will I. But the point is that women are amazing creatures. They can cause pain, but they also have this amazing ability to sedate my mind. Their smile, their form, everything about them is wondrous. They come in all shapes and sizes and anyone who tries to deny the power of a woman has yet to open their eyes.

I stood there in line, waiting to purchase my ice at the seven eleven (7-11) I examined her. She’s was a smaller, corpulent black woman. Her hair was short with minimal curl, and rather large freckles on her dark skin. To most she’s that random clerk at the corner Sev., but to others she’s a friend. The conversation with her and the gentleman in front of me was short, but it showed her importance to this vicious cycle of life. He explained that he hadn’t been around in sometime, due to rehab. She gave him a genuine smile and words of encouragement as she rang him up and sent him on his way. Once again, my worries dissipated and while the end is near it gave me a small glimmer of hope. And with that newfound hope I shall continue to seek the antidote.

******
In a panic and not wanting anything more to do with this situation I began to mash the asphalt back in to Dave’s recently excavated skull. I just wanted this day to be over and done with. I will put things back in the order in which I found them and I shall return to my life, leaving the rest for fate to decide. I took a shovel and began to mash the remaining uneven pavement as near plush as I had found it, I then put the shovel back by the garage, grabbed my hoodie off of the fence and went back inside to make an attempt at getting some of this tar off of my hands. My mother was still rocking back and forth in her chair, oblivious to the nightmare of events that had just taken place. As I was placing the hand towel back on the rack I heard the back door creek, followed by what sounded like the slide of a smaller gun being pulled back. How much more shit will be shoveled on my feet?

There are a couple of pictures in this week’s digiCam update and there are a couple of flicks in this weeks graffiti project update. I will be back with some more shit later.

[idbeholda]

I often find that the dream world and the real world often overlap as well. Some look at it as a curse, others look at it as a blessing. No matter which aspect you analyze it from, it is neither a curse nor a blessing: It is a state of being, it is a state of mind, and it is a state of conciousness that most people have no idea exists.

Many people try to stamp this state out as merely fiction, while others simply view it from a non-judgemental standpoint, like Carl Jung did. As logic would lead one to inevitably conclude, both views are right, and both views are wrong. In any functional equation, the relationships are static, whether we see the pattern or not. And even though the relations are static, the variables are always changing in a neverending dance of balance.

Most people will choose one side of the equation or the other, and perpetually maintain the balance required of the variables. But suppose for a moment that it wasn't just variables that existed, but equations themselves. And suppose for a moment that it wasn't just equations, but a system in and of itself. While the general rule of thumb is that all systems are inherently flawed because there is a designer. In all cases that is correct. Except for one. Suppose that the system is zero. At that point, all rules break down, and anything can happen. And it's only a matter of time before it all happens again.

So as we mull through our daily lives, holding jobs that we may or may not enjoy, few realize that no matter how much we may villify ourselves and each other, in the end, it doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong. Those are old ways of thinking, flawed and sketchy at best. Zero is where you'll find the answer.