For what it’s worth.

[kenny]

For those of you looking for media updates (pranks, pictures, video, etc.), you may want to check in tomorrow. For those of you that are bored, then continue to read. I however am going to force myself to sleep. This spastic schedule has taken its toll, I am literally seeing visions of little marionettes dancing around every time I blink, and one of them had a shrunken head. I guess it’s better than the Eskimos that had plagued me before. ...fuck it, I am going to bed.
......
I stumbled in to the elevator and pushed the button of the desired floor. Once I arrived to the floor I sought, I proceeded to the soda machine to fill my veins with caffeine. When it’s this early and you feel this parched your tongue feels as if its blotter paper. I could feel my tongue absorbing the caffeinated goodness at an alarming rate. A co-worker that was standing around leafing through the morning paper said that I looked like hell. I don’t feel like hell, in fact I feel good but I can’t deny that my appearance does resemble that of a vagrant. This is day three (3) with very little sleep, and I haven’t shaved for nearly a week and my only energy comes from a heart that is churning c8h10n4o2 (caffeine) and 20 to 30 cloves a day. I have been managing to get a power nap in here and there, but those don’t really seem to do my body or mind any justice. Hell proof is in what I wrote in my last post. A bunch of words that were all over the road, my fingers driven by sleep deprivation and some atrociously strong sex drive that I am sure some of you can relate to, then again maybe not – I never have made any claims stating that I am not a depraved sexual pervert. In fact I really want to make love right now with Ray Charles playing softly in the background – but I will spare you the details of what some of you may consider a disgusting look in to my private life. Let’s see, can I write something non-perverse? Can I muster up some words that are as positive as I feel as of late? I will let you know tomorrow when I read what I wrote tonight.

All my life, my heart has sought a thing I cannot name
I've searched throughout my world, but all in vain
I cannot find myself, nor my name, what it means
I search throughout the dust of time and do not see
Who am I, what am I, where do I go, what can I say to those
I do not know
I am lost, oh so lost, I know not my way
Still I search through all my life, in search of things not named
and all in vain --Unknown

We as humans take everything for granted, and in the end that will be the means to our death if we aren’t careful. I have spoken of this MDMA like feeling that has come over me as of recent and I have discussed it with a few friends. One mentioned that maybe it’s just that I am content, which quite possibly could be true and I find it funny how you can seek the answers or seek a state of mind to the point where you are jaded and can go no further, and then when you stop, as quickly as a blink of the eye, its there, with no explanation.

Another friend and I were discussing some of the stuff I write on the site. He told me some of the stuff I write is quite fucked up and that I should go back and read it. One day I will take him up on the offer but for now I am just going to keep on writing. I have stated in the past that I use hektik for an outlet, but other than that it is a time line. A way I can monitor my growth, in both my writing and my self. At birth we start off pure, we have no prejudice, no worries and we live for the day. Then as time goes on we become prejudice, spiteful, insolent and even self consumed. We take people, friends, family and life for granted. We let our minds run wild, creating our own personal hell, slowly conditioning ourselves to become monsters. I remember a time when I loved and cared, and then somewhere unbeknownst to me it phased in to a loathsome impudent misery. Then one day it all shifted back, as quickly and unseen as it had come on. My lust for life returned with a vengeance and it just keeps getting better. I started going back and repairing the bridges that I had burned down so ferociously and I started making right of all of the wrongs. Most importantly I stopped taking things for granted and appreciated every little thing in my life no matter how small and insignificant it may seem. I have a deep love for so many people in my life and I really want to give them something back before my time comes. Sure I could tell them these things but actions speak louder than words. I have a lot of love to return to those that have always accepted me with open arms despite my iniquity. Maybe you are right, maybe I am content and I now have some idea as to why. It’s simple, so simple that I had overlooked it. You do design your own life. If you breed hate, hate is all that is returned. If you breed love you get it back double, if not more. If you want to be happy you will be happy, if you want to be sad, loathsome and depressed you will be sad, loathsome and depressed. Sometimes the road is hard; but I rather struggle, remain happy and content instead of building a false home for my mind on a foundation of sand. Not everything makes sense and sometimes you just have to take that chance, nothing gets done on "what ifs" and sometimes what you thought was right just ends up being wrong. Trust me, I speak from experience. I have lived the good, the bad and the ugly. I have made more mistakes in one night than most will make in a lifetime. I have paid the price by losing everything that matters the most. I have hit rock bottom and broke out a shovel and started to dig deeper. We all make mistakes and bad decisions at times, but we also have the ability to rectify those. We all feel lonely, lost or inadequate at times and nothing may seem to make sense. It never hurts to analyze your life but be careful to not waste your time over analyzing a puzzle that does not have all of the pieces. Just enjoy life while you have it and live, the rest will fall in to place, it’s just a matter of time.

[bc219]

Don't go back and read it all, just keep on typing. For (as I've said many times before) the insanity of this site helps me keep mine. I never knew how good it could feel to spew out words during those my all too often nights of manic insomnia...

[sodie]

I love ya Kenny... don't ever stop writing.

[Manic Velocity]

Originally posted by kenny
It never hurts to analyze your life but be careful to not waste your time over analyzing a puzzle that does not have all of the pieces. Just enjoy life while you have it and live, the rest will fall in to place, it’s just a matter of time.

Words to live by.

[pr35t0]

Cheers to your continual growth, Kenny. It is heartening to hear someone articulate the way I feel sometimes. Keep writing and inspiring

[rid'n2live]

It never hurts to analyze your life but be careful to not waste your time over analyzing a puzzle that does not have all of the pieces. Just enjoy life while you have it and live, the rest will fall in to place, it’s just a matter of time.

Wow. most righteous. very inspiring. i enjoy reading your... whatever you call it.