fuck

[kenny]

Even my memories are becoming dilapidated, one by one crumbling as the reality of the situation sets in. We’ve conditioned ourselves to hope for the best and to expect the worse; this way when the latter happens - it softens the blow...

Right now I sit here with a large bag of pills (for my tooth), an 8 oz. glass of jagermiester and there is a splif in the waistband of my boxers for emergency purposes. This is going to be a long night, even longer because my sinuses seem to be broken and not being able to breath is horrible. It makes the panic attacks worse when every breath makes you feel like you are hyperventilating. Having music playing in both of the rooms I am traveling back and forth from makes the situation even more surreal. There is a mixed mesh of music echoing differently in each ear. I am scary looking right now, my hair goes every direction, stubble outlines my face, my head points down but my eyes look up and what is with this homicidal grin that I am packing. It makes even me feel uneasy. Like I just did something horrendous and I am gloating about it, then again maybe I did. Who knows, I feel so fucking lost right now. Usually when I get like this the only thing that helps is to talk to my friend. I talked to them and all they had to say is you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help them selves. Great, only if you understood – I can’t control myself right now. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. This is not something I want to feel like; this is not something I want to be doing. Instead of sleeping I am getting drunk, well trying to, in hopes that I just fucking pass out. Yes, this is what I want; this is how I want to feel. I want to feel void, I want to feel this fucking bad, I want to have no control, it amazes me that... never mind there is no point in going in to detail. What I need is to fulfill whatever destiny that I am meant to fulfill and then I need to move on. And no I am not mad at you if it seems like I am, I have no idea how my words appear. After all, you are all that I have – that’s why I could never write you off. I am just nobody’s friend right now. I am just tired of feeling so alone. While you might think it’s something I am striving for, it’s not. There is no point in trying to explain it. There is a reason I am cursed, it’s some form of karma paying me back for the evil I breed and I just get this feeling that you are writing me off, slowly making any use for me null. God forbid anyone find out I am not a strong person... where would I be? Drunk, losing my mind on the internet at 4:48 am – that’s where.

[kenny]

It’s funny how lack of sleep just completely wrecks you. You start saying things you are thinking without thinking. I should just go back and erase everything I typed but fuck it; I will read it later today. Consciousness goes in and out and this makes it day 4, or is it 5? Blah, blah, blah, I want to sleep asshole – I really do. I just can’t. I am watching the sunrise sipping my drink and consuming my spliff. If I could just take a nap it would be alright again. Until then you will keep hating me because you probably think I am trying to pull shit, I just want to sleep… fuck. Yeah, fuck best describes this night. While you were sleeping I sat here typing, creating and coughing – wishing I was there. I know that’s not a choice, the distance is far too great. There is no point in any of this right now, I am more or less just typing so that I can read it later to see if it makes any sense. You know? There are so many things I can just do on autopilot and I am wondering if typing is one of them. My fingers are hammering away and the words are coming out at great speeds but I am too fucked off to go back and read them so for now I just look up, with this shit eating grin and I type. Peck, peck, peck... waiting for the rest of the world to wake up.

[Napalm]

Its a pretty fucked up world when you're hitting 3 days with no sleep. Go get some fresh turkey breast from the deli, a bottle of Melatonin, and a little bit of good bud. Eat a lot of turkey (tryptophan makes you sleepy) Take about 4 melatonin (helps you sleep once you get to that point), and smoke your buds. Smoke until you can't move. Then put on a movie you've seen a million times. Works like a charm for me.

[Kreep]

Ok, so i haven't gotten all the way through the post yet... but hey, you too can have $27K+ worth of surgurey done on your sinus too... just so you can alway breath like everyone else...

Can anyone give me an example of a surgury they have had, for something far more serious than sinus polups, that didn't cos't as much as an average Modern Sedan...

Not to sound like a socialist or anything... but something has got to change.

[kenny]

Originally posted by Kreep
Ok, so i haven't gotten all the way through the post yet... but hey, you too can have $27K+ worth of surgurey done on your sinus too... just so you can alway breath like everyone else...

Can anyone give me an example of a surgury they have had, for something far more serious than sinus polups, that didn't cos't as much as an average Modern Sedan...

Not to sound like a socialist or anything... but something has got to change.

...and people look at me like i am nuts when they learn that i practice home dentistry.