I often drift while I drive...

[kenny]

I was sitting there at my terminal, much like I am now when my phone rang. I looked down to examine the caller ID and it was a hospital calling. I tried to think if I had skipped out on yet another medical bill. I am good at this, but who can blame me? When I had to go under anesthesia last year for that surgery they crammed a piece of gauze in my open wound that I could not see do to it’s location on me. That gauze cost $14.00 and they never bothered to tell me about it, or maybe they did but the mixture of anesthesia, oxycotin, and loritabs had me too loopy. Either way, I will just blame those money hungry scum because it makes me feel better… there I go drifting again. So my curiosity got the best of me and I answered. The voice on the other end was sullen and had informed me that my friend had just tried to kill themselves. At that time a million things raced through my mind. Everything from sorrow to hate, what if he had been successful? Then what? What about his family, or the friends that care so much about him? Now this was a couple of weeks ago, but it still bothers me. Why do people keep doing this? Sure you can say people are pussies, this is the easy way to handle it, after all that’s the desensitized American way – right? But have you ever been on that end, have you ever had everyone in your life leave you alone in your time of need? Have you ever hit rock bottom? Have you ever sold your soul for money or drugs? Have you ever felt that pain that is so unbearable that you would do anything to get it to stop? Maybe you have, maybe you have gained control but some aren’t that strong. I wish they were, but some aren’t.

…the meaning of life is simple, you need to enjoy it. I know that is easier said than done and enjoying it is the hard part. We get too caught up in other shit to realize that what we have won’t be there forever. I see it everyday, people that aren’t happy in life, people that don’t act on feelings, people put shit off till it’s too late. I am guilty of this myself. I have also realized this world is cold, driven by agendas, money, religions and politics and I hate it. Why can’t people just be themselves and let others be. Why can’t we just say what we feel? I don’t know, I could ask myself but I am just as lost. I guess you have to start somewhere… If you want to change the government you have to let shots ring out, if you want to change yourself you have to understand yourself, and if you want to change the world – well you have to… I am drifting again, my senseless rambles may mean nothing now but one day when I am able to talk I will show you all something amazing. I guess I am just glad that I had my life changing event prior to my friends attempt at murdering themselves, maybe now I can help inject some joy in to their life, sadly though you can only help people so much at some point they need to be willing to help themselves.

I know I keep posting shit that’s long, but if you don’t like it then don’t read it. I am just tired of every fucking person blogging or live journaling how life sucks and they want to whack themselves. It’s reminds me of that reservoir dogs quote, “are you going to bark all day little doggy, or are you going to bite?” If life sucks it’s because you are letting it, kill yourself now. However if you are willing to tackle life and you need a friend you found one. There is still some good in this world, I have seen it. My goal is to pass on that little glimpse of hope that I was lucky enough to find. Now I better post this before I read it and delete it… Smoke crack and worship Satan!

[nefarious]

My sympathies.... I have gone through the same thing.

[bzarONE]

I feel ya, Kenny. I have had a few friends (some mutual) that have unfortunately been able to finish the job. I don't know if it's selfishness or pure despair, but like you said, shit can never really be that bad.

I don't consider myself religious, but to me suicide is the ultimate copout, and I don't care what religion someone is, suicide can't be viewed as anything but a step backwards.

It's one thing to hate your life, hate everything in it, but no matter who you are, even if you are a baby raping psychopath, someone out there loves you... all you really have to do is let them.

So many people are seeking, seeking, something out there, somehow life just isn't good enough, ever. They are usually the people who are afraid to see that what they truly seek is within, and that the shit they think they don't have or want is a result of their own actions.

OK now I am drifting. Thanks for the great post though, I love it when hektik mirrors my life's thoughts so perfectly...I feel home. Awwwwww....

[kenny]

Hell man I am just rambling to clear my head. People might just think I type random weird shit but you know how much truth lies behind these rants that are altered just enough to protect the identities of those that want to remain anonymous. I know we are both still alive for a reason, what that reason is I don’t know. Maybe it’s just to share some experiences to help others better their own lives, maybe it’s to make some people laugh or maybe it’s for nothing. The nothing part I have a hard time believing though. Look at the shit you and I went through alone, the breaks that went out on the Martin Luther King exit that hot summer in Vegas when we slammed in to a car riding dirty as fuck with no insurance or what about the time in the hotel room with that crazy Vietnam vet J that just about killed us both. And those were not even the weirdest times that we have shared, and I don’t know about you but for me the weirdness just never seems to stop. Maybe we are just lucky, but I owe it to myself as well as others to ride this train to the end just to see how weird it gets and where it all ends. Others should do the same, and enjoy life while doing such… I have come to far to give up now.

[frizbay]

Hey Kenny, perhaps I missed something, but what was your life changing event that you talk about?

[kenny]

Originally posted by frizbay
Hey Kenny, perhaps I missed something, but what was your life changing event that you talk about?

I have only made mention of it. I haven’t talked about it in detail simply because I have not felt inclined to as of yet. I am still trying to figure it out and once I completely understand what the fuck happened I will share it. I am just kind of dazed by the whole thing still, so until I can make more sense of it I am not even going to try to explain it. It’s just hard to explain shit that you don’t understand… ya dig?

[frizbay]

I dig... I would like to know, and I am sure the rest of us would also -- when you feel ready, of course. Maybe it will help us, too.

[Dr_gonzo]

Id hate to loose a friend like that, luckily enough none of mine have tried suicide. If they ever did i would feel pretty let down simply because they could have talked to me about it, im a good listener and would hope that people know this. If i ever felt the need to kill myself i would talk to my brother first, we seem to have a real deep connection, something that aint with me and my sis.

There aint many people that i could talk to about this shit, simply because they would say "jesus listen to morrisey over here" well fuck that, thats why this world is so fucked up, people just bottle shit inside and agree on something they dont agree with or know little about. Ive started to stencil graff little slogans and images around where i live, simply for the fact of getting a message across. If one person reads it and thinks yeah thats makes sense or yeah thats right - its a job well done.

Peace

p.s crack aint what it cracked up to be, or so i have found...

[dilvie]

When I was a teenager I lost five friends in five years.

1 double suicide (boyfriend and girlfriend -- both friends)
1 gun to the head (girl I was seeing)
1 shotgun to the chest (screwed up on a coctail of prescription drugs and laced marijuana)
1 ugly heroin overdose
1 murder (shot about 3 blocks from my house by her drunk-ass murdering sonofabitch boyfriend -- and she was fucking pregnant)

I don't understand it.
I never will.
It still hurts.

Not because they're gone, but because of the way they all died. All of them in pain. All of them totally lost, battling it out in a teenage wasteland.

Who wants to go back to that shit?

- Eric

[bradipo]

Originally posted by kenny
I often drift while I drive...

...
Havin fatal thoughts of suicide
Bang and get it over with
And then I’m worry-free, but that’s bullshit

[kenny]

I got a little boy to look after
And if I died then my child would be a bastard
I had a woman down with me
But to me it seemed like she was down to get me
She helped me out in this shit
But to me she was just another bitch
Now she's back with her mother
Now I'm realizing that I love her
Now I'm feeling lonely

...My mind is playing tricks on me